


Avengrrrs

by AnonEhouse



Category: Captain America (2011), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Animals, Alternate Universe - Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-10
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-11 19:45:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/482216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gentler Coulson takes on the Avengrrrs. The animals that do things no other animals can do.<br/>(Now with added art-- one of the Avengrrrs is a kind of animal I can draw.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"I'm not a veterinarian. I'm Gentler Phil Coulson, with Saving Helpless Innocent Experimental Laboratory Denizens," the man in the business suit said to the harried looking red-headed woman barring the way to a fenced in compound surrounding a small cement block building.

"That's quite a mouthful."

"I know. We're working on it," he said with a smile.

"You know, I've been approached already by Animal Control, the ASPCA, PETA..."

"We're a separate division with a more specific focus. We need to debrief the animals about the circumstances of their escape."

"What?" the woman said, looking totally confused.

"Sorry. I mean that most of the other escapees from Stane's Lab have been destroyed by government agents. They're not far behind me, with writs and armed officers. Either you let me take the animals into protective custody, or they'll be shot right before your eyes."

"Oh, God... the bullet holes," she said softly.

"Please?" Phil said.

"All right, I'm going to take a chance and trust you. My name is Pepper Potts. I was Mr. Stane's assistant, but when I saw what he was doing to Tony... I just couldn't stand by any longer."

"Tony?"

"If you can handle Tony, you can probably manage anything." She smiled and unlocked the gate. "I'll get him. Don't make any sudden moves."

Phil nodded. He was relieved when she returned with a fluffy black, blue-eyed kitten purring in her arms. "That's Tony?" he said raising his hand to pet the adorably fluffy little head.

"No!" Pepper shouted as the kitten turned into a spitting, _flying **armored**_ missile.

Phil threw a catnip mouse, which was blasted into fluff in seconds, and then drew his secret weapon. "I'm going to tease you!" he said and turned on his laser pointer, aiming it at the building. Tony flew after the dot for several minutes, then apparently sucked the armor back into his fur, sat down and began washing his face. Phil blinked and turned off the pointer. "Excitable, isn't he?"

Tony fell over and went to sleep. Pepper picked him up again. "Congratulations. Back up your van and help me load the others."

Phil nodded and obeyed, then opened the rear doors of the black, unmarked van, and lowered the ramp. "Would you like to come with me, at least at first, until the animals get to know me?"

Pepper gave him a _look_. "If you think I'm letting Tony out of my sight, you're mistaken. He's my Howard's last surviving kitten. I think Stane killed Howard. He was such a sweetheart, just like Tony."

Phil noticed Tony's eyes were opened to slits, staring at him, and his razor-sharp claws were extended. "Yes, I see," he said, dryly.

Pepper went into the building again and returned leading two animals on leashes, a large, golden Angora goat, and a cute pot-bellied pig. She introduced the goat as Thor and the pig as Bruce. "Whatever you do, don't get Bruce angry," she said, petting him behind his adorably fuzzy ears.

"Does he grow armor and lasers, too?" 

"No, he turns into a thousand pound wild boar. You would not believe how high he can jump." Pepper picked up the stubby legged pig and helped him follow the goat into the van. Tony had somehow wedged himself inside her blouse and was purring into her bra. Phil politely pretended not to notice.

"Oh, god, I hear sirens!" Pepper ran back to the building (Phil was astonished at how quickly she could run considering how high her heels were) and flung the doors open. "Steve! Bring Tasha and Clint!" 

A huge, glorious Golden Retriever bounded out, carrying a brightly colored Frisbee in his jaws. A reddish ferret and a spider monkey clung to his back. The spider monkey was holding a crossbow. The dog woofed as it passed Pepper, tossing the frisbee up and catching it. The kitten spat at him. The dog wagged his tail and leaped into the van seconds before Pepper slammed the doors shut.

"That all of them?" Phil asked as he headed for the driver's seat, with Pepper running around the other side to get to the passenger side.

"No! I forgot Fury!" A raven flew out of the open door and landed on Phil's shoulder. Pepper leaned out of the van and shouted, "That's Fury!"

The raven had only one eye, but that eye was intelligent enough for two. "Get this motherfuckin' van moving!" the bird shouted.

"Yes, sir," Phil said, jumping in and flooring the accelerator, with Fury clinging to his shoulder and muttering curses. Tony popped out of Pepper's blouse, braced his front legs against the dash and meowed happily. Phil decided he loved his job.

[](http://www.flickr.com/photos/eclectic_house/7754438308/)


	2. On the Road

"How far is it?" Pepper asked when Phil took the van onto the freeway leading out of town.

"Approximately two hours away. SHIELD has a secure facility on what used to be an abandoned farm."

Pepper nodded and stroked Tony's fur. He'd become bored and climbed all over the front seat up until Fury glared at him and said, "Sit your ASS down!" After that Tony had sulked in Pepper's lap until he fell asleep.

"We'll need to take a rest break after a while," Phil said, "The floor and walls in the van are padded, but it's still stressful for animals not accustomed to being trailered."

Fury fluttered his wings and turned around to peer into the interior of the van. "What are YOU prepared to do?" he asked.

Steve gave an intelligent woof. Bruce snorted and Thor baahed. Natasha curled around Clint as if she wasn't paying attention, but both of them looked at Fury with sharp eyes. "What does that even mean?" Phil asked Pepper.

"I have no idea. Fury is a little paranoid; he keeps secrets. And weapons' caches," she said while looking out the window.

"Weapons' caches?" Phil's voice may have risen a little, just a little.

"He likes collecting shiny things," Pepper said idly. "But don't worry, Steve always sniffs them out, and makes the others destroy them. Steve doesn't like guns. Now, if I could only teach him to stop retrieving grenades."

Phil swallowed hard. Fury laughed at him in his rough raven's voice.

***

"This looks like a good spot to pull over," Phil remarked an hour later. They had left urban areas behind, and were now on a two lane blacktop without another vehicle in sight. The road was bracketed by shaggy grass with pasturage fenced off at a distance. There were a few large shade trees with a sun-bleached wooden bench beside a roadside mailbox.

Phil parked, and he and Pepper went around to the rear of the van to open the doors and lower the ramp. "ASSEMBLE!" Fury shouted. Thor knocked Phil down in his eagerness to get out. Bruce ran over him on sharp little feet, and while Phil was still catching his breath Natasha the ferret and spider monkey Clint followed. Phil lay there for a moment, staring up at the sky. 

Pepper giggled. "I guess you were right about them needing a break." The smaller animals were scampering through the fence, but Phil didn't see anything larger than a goat in the pasture, so he wasn't worried about them. Thor was looking longingly at the pasture, but there was plenty of grass for him on this side.

Steve whuffed gently at Phil's neck, nudging him. 

"What?" Phil asked.

"He wants you to play frisbee with him," Pepper said. She went over to the bench and sat down with Tony in her arms. Tony hopped down onto the bench, stretched out long and thin, meowed, and then wriggled into a clump of grass, tail moving in jerky flips as he investigated the possibility of meadow mice. Phil hoped he didn't find any. It hardly seemed fair, since Tony was equipped with lasers.

***

Steve was wonderful. Steve was the dog Phil had dreamed of having for a friend when he was a kid. It didn't matter how high or how hard Phil threw the frisbee, Steve leaped effortlessly to snatch it out of the air-- and _threw_ it back. He didn't even drool on it. He was having such a good time he didn't realize how late it was getting until Steve's stomach let out a growl. The dog laid his ears down and looked embarrassed. Phil laughed and ruffled Steve's soft fur.

"Sorry, no more play time, Steve. We've got to get to base." 

Steve trotted philosophically at Phil's heels, holding his frisbee in his mouth. He stopped when he saw Pepper tugging at Thor's horns. The ram had his hooves dug into the ground and his nose pressed up against the fence. There was a shiny black nanny goat on the other side, sniffing shyly at him. Pepper looked helplessly over her shoulder at Phil. "I think Thor's in love."

Phil looked at the muscular ram, and his huge, gleaming horns. He sighed and pointed towards the farmhouse, dimly visible at the end of the lane leading from the mailbox. "I'll see if the farmer will sell her."

***

"Her name is Jane," the farmer said as helped Phil hoist the nanny over the fence. "Good milker." He eyed Thor with respect. "Never seen a ram that big before. You might be willin' to sell some of the kids, later?"

"Oh, no," Pepper said. "He's a pet."

"A pet?" The farmer blinked and looked around, noticing the other animals. "Oh. You mean a petting zoo. That's good." He patted Jane. "She's a good lass, gentle, and all." He left, and this time Thor loaded into the van readily enough following his Jane.

"ASSEMBLE!" Fury shouted, flying in from a tree, where he'd been sharpening his claws and beak on the wood, carving cryptic symbols into the bark.

Phil winced. "Does he do that a lot?"

"I'm afraid so."

Steve waited for Natasha and Clint, nudging them with his nose to herd them up the ramp. 

Phil headed for the driver's side to start up the engine. Bruce was standing there, gnashing his tiny teeth and making a cute growling noise. "Bruce?" Phil smiled and held out his hand. "It's all right. I'm just going to warm up the car. We'll be at base soon."

Bruce snorted. Loudly. 

Pepper came running around. "Phil. Back up."

"Why?"

"His eyes are green. He's going to Hog out. " Pepper grabbed Phil's sleeve and dragged him out of the way just as Bruce swelled up, huge, huge and fierce, with glowing green eyes, tusks like daggers and... "My God," Phil said, "My first car was smaller than that." Bruce gnashed his teeth, and green foam dripped from his jaws. He pawed great hunks out of the ground and glared at them.

"You know," Pepper said, "I think it's a nice day to sit on that bench for a while longer. He usually calms down in a few minutes."

"Fine." Phil sighed and sat. Fury came to sit on Phil's shoulder and make mocking comments. 

Bruce snorted and stayed by the front of the van.

Several minutes later there was a _thump_ , tinny and metallic-sounding. "That's coming from under the hood," Phil said in puzzlement. 

Pepper looked at him, and her eyes widened. "OHMYGOD, TONY!" She felt reflexively at her bosom. Phil couldn't help looking. Just a little. "TONY! Get out of there! Are You INSANE!"

There was a soft _plop_ and Tony's tiny black fuzzy head appeared from under the van. He was covered in engine grease and yawning. Bruce was in his way. Tony swatted him with his claws, and Bruce jumped.

"I think the answer to your question Ms Potts, is 'yes'," Phil said, expecting to see kitten mush made right before his eyes.

Bruce lowered his head until his dripping tusks were scraping the ground. Tony climbed straight up and sat on Bruce's shoulders, purring and preening himself. He squeaked indignantly a moment later when Bruce shrank back into a pot-bellied pig, and grumbled before readjusting to the much smaller perch. With Tony clinging to his back, Bruce trotted around to the rear of the van and scrambled up the ramp with Steve's help. His little tail curled upward in happy pig language.

"Ok, we're good to go," Pepper said brightly. She put up the ramp and shut the doors.

Phil made a mental note to install anti-kitten shields under the van later. "Yes, Ms. Potts." 

"ABOUT TIME," Fury said. "TONY IS A PAIN IN MY ASS."

"Yes, sir," Phil said as he got in and turned on the ignition. He grinned at Pepper as she joined him. This really was the best day of his life.


End file.
